Hopefully, you’ll be reading this after reading my earlier post announcing my pregnancy or else this will all be very confusing!
In case you haven’t seen that post, here’s a quick recap – I’m pregnant – woo!
As this is my first pregnancy, I’d love to document it all so I have something to look back on in years to come, and just share my thoughts and experiences of this terrifying but amazing process happening inside me for when anyone else is feeling as unsure as I did at the start. I know pregnancy is supposed to feel like this amazing, miraculous process happening inside you, but as someone who never wanted to experience it at all, I’ve had a lot of ups and downs. I’ll admit, when I found out, it wasn’t like those happy videos you see of those couples and some cute sign talking about a ‘bun in the oven’. It’s terrifying and you don’t know what to expect, especially if it’s an unplanned pregnancy like mine.
Admittedly, I am so much happier now and the shock did wear away pretty quickly, but the night I found out I was expecting my first baby will always be one of the most terrifying in my whole life.
I didn’t have many symptoms that were non-PMS related and as I was due to start my period it didn’t seem too strange. My period was due on Friday the 12th May, so I spent that week feeling irritable, achy and bloated – nothing out of the ordinary.
Roll on Friday, and no period had arrived. Initially, I wasn’t too bothered. Usually, I wake up to the cramps and crime scene, but there had been a few months where that didn’t happen till later in the afternoon. By about 3 pm, there was still no sign of my period but I felt really weird. I have no idea how to explain it, I just felt like my period was never going to arrive. I still felt period-y with my sore tummy, boobs and bloatedness, but it didn’t feel like it normally did. I also started to get some shooting pains in my stomach when I tried to bend which was just weird.
That night, I was babysitting my brother and sister, so Ryan came up to mine to watch some movies with us all. When he went to the shop, I asked if he could pick up a cheap little test just to rule it out, not at all feeling like it could be possible in any way. In our (almost) 4 year relationship we’ve had a few ‘am I pregnant?’ moments, where each time I was CONVINCED I’d get that positive. I guess I’d gotten so used to those negatives that I didn’t expect anything different, but being the worrier I am, I had to double-check.
I never got a chance to take the tests in my house as my parents got back super early and I just felt weird taking the test in my family bathroom where they would hear me open it all up and then see it in the bin. When I drove Ryan home, I headed into his house just to get it over and then wait for the arrival of my period when she decided to show.
It was at this point I also realised that Ryan had spent nearly £10 on some high-tech Clearblue tests when Asda have their own brand ones for £2 and so I headed to the bathroom silently fuming that he had wasted so much money. (I know, I’m a cheap skate). I felt nothing as I opened the two tests and after I’d used them, sat them on the floor (flat like the box told me to) waiting for those negatives to show.
Honestly, that’s the last thing I remember clearly from that night.
I had barely finished washing my hands when two huge ‘+’ signs had appeared before the control line was even fully there. I’m pretty sure I gasped ‘no’ at some point and then I remember falling to the ground holding my stomach staring at the two huge pluses in front of my face. In my life, I’ve seen a few positive pregnancy tests (from Facebook announcements to movies) but I swear I’ve never seen any as clear as the two staring right up at me.
In a daze, I remember walking out of the bathroom, into Ryan’s room where he was lying hugging his guinea pig. I stood there shaking and I don’t even remember how I said it to him, but he didn’t believe me at first anyway. He jumped up and took the tests from me, the most genuine happiness spreading all over his face. For as long as I’d known him, Ryan had been desperate for 3 things in his life – a wife, children and a Mustang. I guess for him it must’ve felt like one of his life dreams was beginning to come true but I just felt numb and lost.
My parents were going to KILL me and I was getting ready to go back to uni for the hardest year of my life. I was on antidepressants, barely in control of my life and not even 12 months before that night I had been suicidal and the lowest I’d ever been.
How was I supposed to grow and nurture a baby when I could barely care for myself?
Next thing I remember was sitting with Ryan on his bed, both of us clutching the tests, and both in tears. His were happy tears of course, with a bit of shock mixed in but mine was just tears. I didn’t for a minute feel sad I was pregnant, but I sure didn’t feel happy about it either. I don’t remember feeling anything at all – my entire body just went into autopilot and my mind didn’t know what the hell it was supposed to do.
Ryan excitedly took a picture of the pregnancy tests and phoned his uncle to ask for advice, partly (I think) because I couldn’t stop crying, and partly because we were both worried my parents were going to kill us. I don’t really remember much from the call, only his uncle telling us it’s a shock but it’s the best thing we’ll ever do, my parents would be okay and uni would be fine, but all his words just floated right past me.
After the call, we just sat there for a few minutes slowly trying to process how much the night had changed in the space of 15 minutes and how our lives would never be the same again.
Once the tears stopped, Ryan’s happiness began to infect me and I started to imagine our life with our own little baby. None of it felt real, but it didn’t feel like the end of the world anymore either. Eventually, I was in a calm enough state to drive myself back home and I spent Saturday on a bowling day out with my family, putting it all to the back of my mind. As the hours passed, so did the numbness and slowly, happiness started to creep up on me. Ryan phoned me that night, tipsy from the beer and drunk with excitement babbling on about our future and our baby and slowly it started to feel like I could maybe do it after all.
I told my parents on the Sunday, and *spoiler alert* they didn’t kill me. I wanted to do it on my own because it just felt right, and although they were very shocked (and worried about uni) the anger and rage I had expected never flared up. When I saw Ryan on the Monday night, it felt like the whole weekend had been a dream we’d made up together. It all felt too good to be true, so we decided to do another test (an even more expensive one) just to confirm that it was all real.
As the positive sign started to appear on both tests yet again, I was the highest of highs. I had a real baby growing inside of me and I was going to be a real mum and I’d be able to make Ryan a dad. The fear and shock from 2 nights before was so far away from me now, it felt odd to think I’d felt those emotions inside of me. I really did feel miraculous and amazing and powerful and the happiest I’d felt in my life, and that feeling has just intensified every single day since then.
Not once did I ever doubt that the two of us would find a way to make it all work out. I sometimes doubt my ability, health and knowledge, but never that the two of us will work the hardest we ever have to make this work. There’s a lot of stigma surrounding unplanned pregnancies, but unplanned doesn’t always mean unprepared which did take me a while to realise myself. It probably would’ve been easier to wait until Ryan and I were living together and had savings and I’d graduated, but there’s no saying we can’t make it work out just as well in the place we’re in now.
And I’m so convinced that we will.