May Update & Looking Forward

Posted in Personal
may update

Today is the first day of May and I’ve got very mixed emotions. Usually, the first day of a new month is so exciting; it’s time to start fresh with a whole new set of goals, but May has been the month I’ve dreaded for a while now.

I took a break from university in November and although I don’t start back until September, I’ve decided I wouldn’t start to think about or prepare for uni until May. It always felt like May was so far away so it meant I could put it all off for as long as possible but now I’ve woken up and here we are.

It’s May.

I’m not really sure how I feel right now. On one hand, everything has been really positive for me lately and I’ve felt the best I have in years. I finally feel like I’m getting back to the person I used to be, the person I’ve missed losing every single day, and I have tried so many new things and met so many new people. I’ve felt so happy lately I’ve surprised myself.

But, I’m terrified.

I now have about 4 months before I go back to uni, and judging by how fast the past 4 have gone – I’ll be there in no time! I’ve had awful nightmares every night for the past 2 weeks and I’m not sure if it’s due to all the negative feelings I have that resurfacing now uni feels closer than ever. I’m trying really hard to stay positive and look at it all as a fresh start. I was so excited during my first ever months at university and I wish I could go back to that.

A part of me is excited to get the new stationery and outfits. I’m looking forward to joining a brand new year group of people and making new friends. I’m trying really hard to make sure those are the thoughts that are at the forefront of my mind but it’s so hard. It didn’t take long for all that positivity to disappear first time round and I’m really worried about it happening for the second time.

Although I’ve managed to tell my lecturers, family, friends and even strangers about all the things I’ve struggled with I’m just scared of the unknown really. University has never felt like a safe place for me to be and I’m worried about going back again.

I’m not sure if I’m more terrified that I might feel those negative emotions again or if I’m more terrified that going back to university will undo all the hard work I’ve done over the past 5 months to put all my pieces back together.

This is the most positive and content I’ve ever felt in my life and I can’t bear to lose that feeling.

I’m going to get counselling in place for over summer, and probably the entirety of fourth year, because at least then I’ll have support in place in case the breaking point comes close again. I’m glad I have the knowledge now about what works for me and what doesn’t but I never expected to feel this nervous so far in advance.

I’m not sure what the main point of this post is, or why I’m even posting it. I’ve already shared every gory detail of my university and mental health journey so far that it doesn’t make sense to miss this part out. I bet in weeks, months or even years time, I’ll look back at this post, degree in hand, and not be able to relate to this mixed-up feeling I have right now.

The first three years of my degree have put a horrible taste in my mouth but here I am, pushing on. I never expected it to be as hard as it’s been but it doesn’t have to be so hard moving forward.

I’ll spend the summer preparing. I’ll be more ready than ever.

I’ll smash it.

Just wait and see.

Love, Claire xo

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28 Comments

  • Reply Natalie

    Claire, I’m so glad you wrote this post. I know nothing I can say can magically make your worries disappear but I have some food for thought which I hope you’ll consider. You say you’ve worked hard to put the pieces of your life back together after the horrific place you were in a few months ago. Look at how much you’ve overcome. And in doing that, you’ve surely learned new coping skills and ways to manage your emotions and worries. You’re not going into uni the same girl you were last year. You’re so much stronger and it appears you have loads of support. Finding a counselor sounds like a wonderful idea! Yes, there will be times when those worries and irrational negative thoughts pop into your head but that’s when you gotta think of how far you’ve come and see that you can get through it. 💜

    May 1, 2017 at 4:56 pm
    • Reply clairelouiisexo

      Thank you so, so, so much for this comment. I’ve tried so hard recently so you’re right, I’ll just need to make sure I remember that over the next few months as I’m getting ready to go back. I’m so glad I have such amazing friends like you to help support me through it all ❤️

      May 2, 2017 at 12:20 pm
  • Reply Tiffany

    I’m sure you will be absolutely fine when you head back to uni but I completely get why you’re worrying! Uni wasn’t a happy place for me so I know I’d be exactly the same as you right now if I was going back. You’ve just got to think positive, and find the good in going back! Also buying new stationery is always a good thing haha ☺️

    Tiffany x http://www.foodandotherloves.co.uk
    Tiffany recently posted…April Favourites – New Prints, Bad Moms & Santa Clarita Diet…My Profile

    May 1, 2017 at 5:05 pm
    • Reply clairelouiisexo

      I hope so! That’s true, and yeah stationery definitely helps haha! Thanks so much for reading lovely! xo

      May 2, 2017 at 12:21 pm
  • Reply Beth jones

    You’ll get there and when you do you’ll be so happy you did! Its good you wrote this post, getting your fears out can really help. Best of luck and i hope everything goes well next year 😄

    May 1, 2017 at 5:06 pm
    • Reply clairelouiisexo

      I really do hope that happens! Thanks, it really did make me feel better to get it all out there. Thank you so much for reading! xo

      May 2, 2017 at 12:21 pm
  • Reply abbeylouisarose

    Aw Claire, I’m so sorry that the prospect of uni is making you feel so bad! However, it seems that you’re really determined to make a good go of it, and I’m sure you will succeed! Going in to a new year group full of new faces will give you plenty of opportunities to make friends and get back your excitement, I’m sure of it! Sending all the positive vibes your way!

    Abbey 😘

    May 1, 2017 at 5:23 pm
    • Reply clairelouiisexo

      Thank you, Abbey that’s so kind of you. I think the part I’m definitely looking forward to is getting to meet loads of new people and get to know them all, thank you so much! xo

      May 2, 2017 at 12:22 pm
  • Reply Kate

    Wishing you all the best at university. I’m starting myself in September. I hope everything will go well for you. Take it easy, you have at least four months to prepare. 🙂 Treat yourself to some nice new stationary! One of my fave things about going back to school haha! I can definitely relate to the nervous feeling of a new school year. Take your time and I wish you all the best!

    May 1, 2017 at 5:25 pm
    • Reply clairelouiisexo

      Thank you, good luck – I hope it’s amazing for you! I definitely will, stationery just seems to make it all feel better haha! Thanks lovely xo

      May 2, 2017 at 12:24 pm
  • Reply Alice

    I can’t believe it is May already, where on earth is the year going?! I’m sorry to hear you are feeling worried about going back to University but I am sure you are going to be fab and once you’re there, you’ll be fine! Good luck with it all.

    Alice | alicemaysnell

    May 1, 2017 at 5:27 pm
    • Reply clairelouiisexo

      Tell me about it, it’s just flying in! Thanks so much for the positive thoughts, it really means a lot to me! xo

      May 2, 2017 at 12:24 pm
  • Reply bookfulblog

    This post was beautiful! I especially loved the writing style and the emphasis on certain phrases. Although I have never been in this particular situation, I have undergone similar anxiety when having to return to school after a long holiday. On the one hand I crave to go back to school and all the excitement and adventure that entails but on the other hand, most of the time I am up at 2am having an anxiety attack whilst my parents sit next to me on the bed or not being able to sleep at all! I have so much faith that you will absolutely smash going back to uni and I am excited to read more!!!

    May 1, 2017 at 5:28 pm
    • Reply clairelouiisexo

      Thank you so much! I’m so glad you enjoyed reading this. It’s such an emotional time for us all, definitely. Thanks for your kind words! xo

      May 3, 2017 at 2:18 pm
  • Reply Jodie Mitchell

    Good luck with Uni, I haven’t been, so I can’t imagine how nerve-wracking it can be, but you’ll be fine!x
    Jodie Mitchell recently posted…April Glossybox!My Profile

    May 1, 2017 at 5:29 pm
  • Reply Rachael

    I’m so sorry about your nightmares! You’ve still got loads of time until uni starts back! But it’s great you’re going to get counselling in place! I’m looking forward to hearing how it goes!
    PaleGirlRambling xo
    Rachael recently posted…April Favourites 2017My Profile

    May 1, 2017 at 5:37 pm
    • Reply clairelouiisexo

      Thank you, I’ve been trying your tips to make them go away so here’s hoping they stop soon! xo

      May 3, 2017 at 2:21 pm
  • Reply Jenny

    Although I’ve never been to uni so can’t relate on that level, I have suffered crippling anxiety and certain events have made me SO incredibly nervous before. Like when my social anxiety was at it’s worst, I was worried about a New Years Eve party every day for 6 MONTHS. I’ve learnt over time that if there’s something you’re dreading, one day at a time is the PERFECT manta. It sounds basic and cliché but it can really work wonders. Just focus on today and that’s IT. If you need to get bits for uni, forget about the fact it’s for uni, just focus on the fact that you’re going to the shops and you’re going to buy some stuff. Then take the time to choose out stuff you REALLY like and even treat yourself to a few things, too. One day at a time and you’ll be fine. And counselling is a wonderful tool to have between now and then <3
    Jenny recently posted…Book Review: The Marble Collector by Cecelia AhernMy Profile

    May 1, 2017 at 5:42 pm
    • Reply clairelouiisexo

      I’m so sorry you’ve suffered before, it’s such an awful feeling. Thank you so, so much for the tip I’ll definitely give that a try in the next few months! xo

      May 3, 2017 at 2:22 pm
  • Reply Sophia

    I’m so sorry it has been so tough for you Claire. Getting counselling in place is a very smart decision, and you still have four months to prepare and also decide if this is what you want to do. I too struggled throughout uni, and am now less than 24 hours away from my final exams. It’s a tough road but so worth it if you can stick at it. Stay strong sweet pea and surround yourself with a positive team xx

    Sophia x http://sophiawhitham.co.uk
    Sophia recently posted…The A21 Diner – A Seriously Good Breakfast In a little taste of AmericaMy Profile

    May 1, 2017 at 5:42 pm
    • Reply clairelouiisexo

      That’s true, thank you so much! Wow, well done you! Hopefully this time next year I’ll be in the same position. Hope your exams have all went well! xo

      May 3, 2017 at 2:23 pm
  • Reply Emily

    Sending you lots of ❤️❤️❤️ as you get ready to take this next step. It sounds like you’ve got a really good idea of the support system you need to make this transition. As a former college prof, I can tell you that unless you’ve got absolute monsters for lecturers, they’ll all be looking for ways to help you succeed. Don’t be afraid to ask for anything you need to get this degree finished and move on! Wishing you all the best!!

    xx
    Emily
    emilyhallock.blogspot.com

    May 1, 2017 at 5:43 pm
  • Reply Sarah

    Sending you so much love and support! I know how overwhelming and difficult uni can be, especially coming back after a break. Not quite the same, but I ended up transferring schools mid way through and I know how difficult it was but it also ended up being one of the best decisions I could’ve made. Feel free to DM me on twitter (@lifestartzhere) if you need anything or want to chat!!
    xoxo, Sarah
    lifestartzhere.com

    May 1, 2017 at 5:45 pm
  • Reply Karlena

    I completely understand how you feel. I left uni in October (during my second year) and was meant to be starting back in September too but I recently decided I can’t. I really admire you for sticking at it. Good luck, stay strong! Karlena xx

    May 1, 2017 at 6:58 pm
  • Reply Lola Bellouere

    Babe I know its not easy but your going to get through it and your going to smash it! x
    Lola Mia // http://www.lolitabonita.co.uk

    May 1, 2017 at 10:17 pm
  • Reply Gemma

    Claire, I know you can do this!
    Yes, it will be hard. But it’ll be really worth it in the end because if you can get through this you can get through anything!
    In terms of seeing a counsellor, I think that’s a fab idea. Sometimes just talking about things in the open and with an unbiased third party really helps us deal with things. I’d recommend making contact with your uni’s counselling service before you go back, too! Just so they’re aware that you’ve struggled before and perhaps you can meet for a coffee in your first few weeks so that your mind is at ease that that resource is there.
    Wishing you all the best, lovely. I know you will smash this!

    May 2, 2017 at 1:00 pm
  • Reply Natasha

    I have every faith in you that you will smash it! As you know I didn’t go on to uni, so I’m unaware of how you’re feeling. But I know it’s not an easy thing to do so it’s understandable why you feel like this. Going back to something or starting something is daunting. You’ve got this though!

    Tasha x

    http://itsatashathing.blogspot.com/
    Natasha recently posted…Darice’s Wardrobe: 3-6 monthsMy Profile

    May 3, 2017 at 4:43 pm
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