Today is the first day of May and I’ve got very mixed emotions. Usually, the first day of a new month is so exciting; it’s time to start fresh with a whole new set of goals, but May has been the month I’ve dreaded for a while now.
I took a break from university in November and although I don’t start back until September, I’ve decided I wouldn’t start to think about or prepare for uni until May. It always felt like May was so far away so it meant I could put it all off for as long as possible but now I’ve woken up and here we are.
I’m not really sure how I feel right now. On one hand, everything has been really positive for me lately and I’ve felt the best I have in years. I finally feel like I’m getting back to the person I used to be, the person I’ve missed losing every single day, and I have tried so many new things and met so many new people. I’ve felt so happy lately I’ve surprised myself.
But, I’m terrified.
I now have about 4 months before I go back to uni, and judging by how fast the past 4 have gone – I’ll be there in no time! I’ve had awful nightmares every night for the past 2 weeks and I’m not sure if it’s due to all the negative feelings I have that resurfacing now uni feels closer than ever. I’m trying really hard to stay positive and look at it all as a fresh start. I was so excited during my first ever months at university and I wish I could go back to that.
A part of me is excited to get the new stationery and outfits. I’m looking forward to joining a brand new year group of people and making new friends. I’m trying really hard to make sure those are the thoughts that are at the forefront of my mind but it’s so hard. It didn’t take long for all that positivity to disappear first time round and I’m really worried about it happening for the second time.
Although I’ve managed to tell my lecturers, family, friends and even strangers about all the things I’ve struggled with I’m just scared of the unknown really. University has never felt like a safe place for me to be and I’m worried about going back again.
I’m not sure if I’m more terrified that I might feel those negative emotions again or if I’m more terrified that going back to university will undo all the hard work I’ve done over the past 5 months to put all my pieces back together.
This is the most positive and content I’ve ever felt in my life and I can’t bear to lose that feeling.
I’m going to get counselling in place for over summer, and probably the entirety of fourth year, because at least then I’ll have support in place in case the breaking point comes close again. I’m glad I have the knowledge now about what works for me and what doesn’t but I never expected to feel this nervous so far in advance.
I’m not sure what the main point of this post is, or why I’m even posting it. I’ve already shared every gory detail of my university and mental health journey so far that it doesn’t make sense to miss this part out. I bet in weeks, months or even years time, I’ll look back at this post, degree in hand, and not be able to relate to this mixed-up feeling I have right now.
The first three years of my degree have put a horrible taste in my mouth but here I am, pushing on. I never expected it to be as hard as it’s been but it doesn’t have to be so hard moving forward.
I’ll spend the summer preparing. I’ll be more ready than ever.
I’ll smash it.
Just wait and see.