Part Four – Depression

Posted in Mental Health, Personal

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 

Despite the fact that I had started to feel less anxious in and around university, something still wasn’t right. In the summer between third and fourth year, I didn’t feel like myself anymore.

I became withdrawn, I lost all motivation, I felt so numb every day. It was like that zombie feeling from my medicine, except this time it was something in me that was making me feel that way. As usual, I kept it all to myself, but all of my relationships started to become affected as I became too tired to do things and hard to be around. I was very snappy, emotional or blunt – and you would never know which version of me would be there.

It felt like I was drifting away from my life.

I became so oblivious to the outside world, I would eat too much but food never tasted like anything and for once in my life, I had trouble sleeping at night. I felt like I was a burden to those I cared about and honestly, I questioned why I was here since it just seemed to be one thing after another and I felt awful for putting my loved ones through so much. That summer, I was in almost constant contact with Samaritans and I felt like they were the only people who I could safely talk to. I became so dependent on their text-line and I’m pretty sure I spoke to them every day for a good 3-4 weeks.

As much as uni has always been one of my most difficult places to be, the start of a new year would always excite me. I loved to buy new notebooks, clothes and bags all ready for the new year but this time was different. Every single day felt like a huge effort but I didn’t have the energy to continue.

I started fourth year and quickly fell behind.

I’m not sure if this is the case everywhere, but in Scotland/UK at least, 4th year is your most important year. It’s the year that basically decides whether you get your degree or not and the year where you have to a huge dissertation or it was all for nothing. It’s not the best time to fall behind, but there I was. As I’ve never enjoyed uni, it got to the point that I literally did not care a single bit that I was falling behind or that I had work to do that would decide my future. I was miserable when I was there and would cry at nights realising I had to back the next day. I had nothing left inside that could push anymore and it felt like I was constantly trailing behind whilst everyone else was running ahead, living their lives.

One day, it was all too much and I couldn’t keep it to myself anymore. I was scared of being inside my own head, I was having horrific thoughts about myself and my worth, and Samaritans had been encouraging me to confide in a loved one. I fell apart in front of my boyfriend, all tears and snot and screaming, telling him how I couldn’t keep myself together anymore. With his help and support, I began counselling at uni with the kindest woman who helped me get it all off my chest. She was concerned with my progress, though, and suggested I visit my GP to discuss my feelings – words like ‘depression’ were thrown around and I got put on antidepressants.

None of this really solved the main issue, though. I was taking all these steps to look after my mental health whilst never actually looking after mental health. University was not a good place for me to be at all, no matter how many counselling sessions or medications I tried it was always there dragging me down. It’s like I was crawling towards positivity but never taking that one big step to get there.

I remember feeling so lost – surely I’d have to grin and bear it.

Six months and it’s over.

But what if I messed it up? Those last six months were more important than the first three years. If there was any time where I needed to be mentally okay, it was now, but I could never manage to get there.

*This post is part of a series*

http://www.samaritans.org // 116 123

http://www.mind.org.uk // 0300 123 3393

http://www.sane.org.uk // 0300 304 7000

http://www.elefriends.org.uk

http://www.supportline.org.uk // 01708 765200

 

 

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14 Comments

  • Reply Lola Bellouere

    Your so brave to write all of this. I could never pluck up the couragr to write about my days. I also hated uni but filled up my days with part time jobs just to.keep my mind occupied along with fake smiles. Ended up burning myself out. I never liked medications I never thought they solved the inderlying issues just masked it. Well done for writing a great post! X
    Lola Mia // http://www.lolitabonita.co.uk
    Lola Bellouere recently posted…S PLUS BY RESMED : REVIEW & RESULTSMy Profile

    March 28, 2017 at 8:52 am
    • Reply clairelouiisexo

      Thank you! I’m sorry it was tough for you. Yeah working and volunteering has definitely helped me keep my mind off of it, but it’s so important to put our mental health first and not push ourselves too much. Thanks for reading love xoxox

      March 29, 2017 at 11:34 am
  • Reply Tiffany

    I think it’s so important that people write about their experiences with mental health and depression as there could be so many people struggling and reading things like this can be a comfort to know they’re not alone. Having struggled with anxiety I can really relate, I think anxiety and depression sort of go together so I definitely get some of the struggles you mentioned! Looking forward to reading more and well done for being brave enough to share this! x

    Tiffany x http://www.foodandotherloves.co.uk

    March 28, 2017 at 10:12 am
    • Reply clairelouiisexo

      Thanks so much for reading! I think they are definitely linked as well which seems very cruel haha! Hope things are okay for you xo

      March 29, 2017 at 11:35 am
  • Reply Emma

    Your so strong, uni is difficult and lonely at times. I am so sorry you went through this. I feel very privileged to read this.

    Love
    Em (onlythejade.blogspot.co.uk)

    X

    March 28, 2017 at 4:54 pm
    • Reply clairelouiisexo

      Thank you so much for your comment! I hope everything is okay for you. Uni can be so tough but it is so important to make sure we put ourselves first. xo

      March 29, 2017 at 11:36 am
  • Reply Katie

    Thank you so much for sharing this with us, it must’ve taken a lot of courage to do!

    March 29, 2017 at 7:02 am
    • Reply clairelouiisexo

      Thank you so much! I just want to create the resources I wish I had when I felt like it was just me xo

      March 29, 2017 at 11:36 am
  • Reply melissa major

    Very brave post and its very resourceful too, thanks for sharing it with us!

    March 29, 2017 at 8:14 pm
  • Reply Jordan

    It’s so amazing of you to share this with people. I think that depression is hard. I’ve definitely gone through it in my years of college. Between the stress of everything and life in general it weighs on you. But thank you for sharing this.

    XOXO
    Jordan
    http://www.sweetsandmascara.com

    March 30, 2017 at 2:57 pm
    • Reply clairelouiisexo

      It’s so tough! Thank you so much for reading xoxox

      March 31, 2017 at 2:26 pm
  • Reply Sarah

    Thank you Claire. I am building the confidence to share a very difficult post. I appreciate your honesty to the subject. It helps others in similar situations. x

    April 8, 2017 at 2:05 pm
    • Reply clairelouiisexo

      Thank you so much for reading! Good luck with your post, let me know when it’s live! xo

      April 9, 2017 at 5:39 pm

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