Dear Body,

Posted in Personal

The other day, I went clothes shopping to spend some of my leftover birthday vouchers. It was all going well until in H&M I decided to try on a SUPER skinny dungaree set. I picked up a size 12, bigger than the usual 8 or 10 because your hips are often too wide for most fashion-y shop sizes (looking at you Topshop) but I still couldn’t get them past the knees.

I felt gross and unattractive because you were too big.

I don’t for a second think a size 10-12 is fat/unhealthy/overweight at all so why do I feel embarrassed telling others that you wear a 10, or even 12? I enjoy complimenting people and admiring how gorgeous they all are. I look at people bigger, smaller and the same size as you and adore the shape of their bodies and how beautiful they look but I have never been taught to look at you the same way.

Growing up you always fit in a size 4-6; you were always relatively average height with small boobs (little miss a-cup here) and always underweight, but you would always get compliments. I was 15 and being told by friends that they wished their legs were as skinny or their stomachs were as flat. You were seen to be so healthy but were actually so tiny because I would skip meals trying to keep you small. I had the worst relationship with food and was totally unhealthy but convinced that having a flat stomach and thigh gap would make us ‘perfect’.

I never once felt perfect. I desperately wanted you to have curves and bigger boobs and be more than just straight up and down. I would be so embarrassed about the size of you, envious of curvier girls.

Flash forward to the end of puberty and you’re now a size 8 on top (still with your little a-star pancakes) and 10 below because you decided to grow some wider hips and a bum. You went from being underweight to on the brink of ‘plus size’ (since apparently, size 12 is ‘plus size’).

Your clothes size has almost doubled, but my confidence in you has halved. Why is it acceptable to dismiss your beauty?

Why do I feel okay when I dismiss your beauty?

You are the strongest part of me. You have carried me through my 21 years with no breaks and a few bruises to get me to where I am today. There’s no need for me to feel ashamed of you because you’re a healthy weight now, but I still feel insecure from the lack of comments on you looking ‘perfect’. You are completely average in terms of weight and height and that’s okay. You don’t have to be super curvy for me to love you just like you don’t have to be super skinny to be loved.

As I’ve gotten older I’ve started to realise that the way you look doesn’t mean half as much compared to the way we feel, and I have become more confident in you once I left my teenage years. Of course, I still have those insecure days where your boobs are too small or your stomach is too big, but it doesn’t happen nearly as much as before.

I know that we’re not the fittest or healthiest, and I give you way too much chocolate and nachos, but we’re happy and that’s the only thing that matters. I know that I want to tone you up a little and feel fitter, but for a while, I only saw exercise as a way to lose weight and keep you as that perfect, small frame that is apparently so desirable. I’ve now realised that the weight you are is perfectly okay and I’m determined to hit the gym to strengthen you and feel better inside, not because I want you to look better on the outside.

I am grateful that you have taken me this far and given me such unconditional support every day of my life. You have always been there for me, no matter what number you reached on the scale, and I will try my best to not let those numbers disappoint or excite me anymore.

This is my promise to you to stop letting clothes sizes and weights define how I feel about you (I’ve never been a numbers gal anyway) and to start focusing on the way I feel inside before I start judging the way you look on the outside.

 

Love, Claire xo

 

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62 Comments

  • Reply bellainizio

    I love this. Very powerful stuff! I’m a size 10-12 too, and I share the same thoughts which is completely unacceptable! Every BODY is beautiful. Thank you for sharing this x

    March 17, 2017 at 2:13 pm
  • Reply outnaboutweb

    Great post! We should all respect out body more, becasue of all he’d done for us!
    love, elena

    https://outnaboutweb.wordpress.com

    March 17, 2017 at 2:15 pm
  • Reply Ella May Garrett

    This was such a powerful post to read and one that so many people can relate to. I actually welled up a bit about how your body changed sizes while growing up and even though you look at other people with admiration who are smaller, the same size and bigger it is hard to accept yourself… Almost like you wrote this on my behalf! Haha, one of the best posts I have read in a long time 🙂 xx

    March 17, 2017 at 2:23 pm
    • Reply clairelouiisexo

      Thank you so much, welled up at your comment too haha what we like! Thanks so much for reading I really appreciate it!!!!!! xo

      March 17, 2017 at 8:31 pm
  • Reply In lumina

    […] via Dear Body, — […]

    March 17, 2017 at 5:48 pm
  • Reply lozzyloo

    I can’t believe a size 12 is deemed as plus size! I am a size 12/14 and I have a defined stomach, so how does that work haha! In the words of Bruno Mars, you are beautiful just the way you are, ignore the number on your clothes label and wear whatever makes you feel comfortable or pretty…even if that means going up a size! Lovely post, you are a great writer 🙂 x

    March 17, 2017 at 5:56 pm
    • Reply clairelouiisexo

      It’s so true though, so frustrating how it feels sometimes though! Thank you so much for reading and commenting – you’re beautiful! xo

      March 17, 2017 at 8:32 pm
  • Reply lozzyloo

    (Yes Bruno Mars actually sang “you’re amazing, just the way you are”) whoops!

    March 17, 2017 at 5:57 pm
  • Reply sazsinclair

    Oh I love this!!! Self love and confidence is so important🙌🏼 xx

    Sarah | sazsinclair.blogspot.co.uk

    March 17, 2017 at 8:06 pm
  • Reply Beth

    This is brilliant, really powerful stuff 🙂 x

    March 17, 2017 at 8:13 pm
  • Reply Kerona Ledgister

    amazing!!!! i love this
    http://www.mssparkleandglow.com

    March 17, 2017 at 8:15 pm
  • Reply Zoe Jackson

    This is beautiful, such a lovely post. And if size 12 is plus-size then I am obese omgoodness that sickens me lol. I’m so sorry you had that experience to make you feel unattractive and big. You’re right our bodies are our so important and deserve more self love. Great post!

    March 17, 2017 at 8:18 pm
  • Reply ThinkFeelStrong

    This is a beautiful post. Honestly it takes a lot of vulnerability to write this kind of thing, I don’t even know if I have the guts to write this sort of post. I commend you for this! Self-love above all. x

    March 17, 2017 at 8:21 pm
    • Reply clairelouiisexo

      Thank you so much for reading. Self love is the most important thing xo

      March 17, 2017 at 8:33 pm
  • Reply thefashionpinner

    This is AMAZING!!! Thank you for writing this xx

    March 17, 2017 at 8:53 pm
  • Reply corinneandkirsty

    This letter is beautiful! I’ve never been happy with my body either, too much curves in my opinion.. But I’m learning to love myself and be ok with my body too (while trying to achieve a weight and shape goal because you only have one life lol). I hope you will get to the point where you are fully in love with your body 🙂 x

    Kirsty
    http://www.corinneandkirsty.com

    March 17, 2017 at 8:58 pm
    • Reply clairelouiisexo

      Thank you so much! I hope so too – you’re beautiful! xo

      March 17, 2017 at 9:13 pm
  • Reply lolitambonita

    I love this so honest and real oh and btw you are perfect. I went from 7st to 10 1/2. A size 6 to now in some places a size 12. My boobs knock me out when running and Id kill for them to be smaller. I will never be ashamed and I will never conform to societys perfect size or weight. Poo to them! X
    Lola Mia // http://www.lolitabonita.co.uk

    March 17, 2017 at 9:41 pm
  • Reply Allison Stephens

    This hit home for me. I am trying to love myself from the inside out after all these years of thinking what I looked like mattered most.
    Thank you!

    March 18, 2017 at 12:06 am
  • Reply jodiedcmitchell

    I love this so much! So inspiring and positive! And don’t listen to H&M, I’m a 10 but I come up a 16 in there! X

    March 18, 2017 at 12:23 am
  • Reply Tiffany

    I love this so much, so honest and refreshing to read! I think we’re all guilty of treating our bodies badly and thinking awful things about them sometimes when they’re the ones that keep us going! H&M can be horrific for sizes sometimes so I know exactly how you felt!

    Tiffany x http://www.foodandotherloves.co.uk

    March 18, 2017 at 10:50 am
    • Reply clairelouiisexo

      Thank you so much for reading! You’re gorgeous xo

      March 18, 2017 at 9:22 pm
  • Reply Chelsea Anne

    I love this! I’m small on top but a size 10-12 on bottom and have been since my two kids and I’m not ashamed

    You’re beautiful no matter what size x

    March 18, 2017 at 11:30 am
    • Reply clairelouiisexo

      Thanks so much for reading! Yes, definitely beautiful no matter what x

      March 18, 2017 at 9:22 pm
  • Reply Fashion idea queen

    Such a wonderful message – so many of us are consumed by the idea of perfection when it is unattainable for humans – happiness and making the most out of life is the most important goal

    March 18, 2017 at 4:17 pm
    • Reply clairelouiisexo

      So true, it definitely is! Thanks so much for your comment x

      March 18, 2017 at 9:23 pm
  • Reply artsycrystal

    Yes we all should love our body when I was growing up I was made fun of for being flat chested. Also didn’t help that I was a tomboy. Still am a tomboy I am learning to love myself the way I am.

    March 18, 2017 at 4:53 pm
    • Reply clairelouiisexo

      Oh no I’m sorry that happened to you. Definitely love yourself, you’re beautiful no matter what x

      March 18, 2017 at 9:26 pm
  • Reply asnippetoflife

    This is such a heartfelt post. I loved reading though it and I’m all about empowering others. Never feel bad about yourself. Cloth size shouldn’t determine how you feel.
    Lea, xx

    March 19, 2017 at 12:57 pm
    • Reply clairelouiisexo

      Thanks so much for reading! It totally shouldn’t xoxox

      March 23, 2017 at 12:16 pm
  • Reply melissa lacey

    This is a powerful post! You’re gorgeous just the way you are!

    Love, Melissa x
    http://www.lovemelissax.co.uk

    March 19, 2017 at 2:56 pm
  • Reply Favourite Blog Posts of Last Week | 13-19/03 | – Ella May Garrett

    […] I was loving these mindfulness posts this week! Claire wrote a really touching post called Dear Body that really struck a chord with me and I got quite emotional reading it. Accepting how your body […]

    March 20, 2017 at 4:49 pm
  • Reply Ella May Garrett

    I mentioned you on my Favourite Blog Posts of Last Week! 🙂 https://ellamaygarrett.com/2017/03/20/favourite-blog-posts-of-last-week/

    March 20, 2017 at 9:56 pm
  • Reply Jordanne | Thelifeofaglasgowgirl

    Such an honest and open post. I really loved reading this because it really reminds me of myself. I’m so hard on my body still and I’m trying to get out of that habbit. Happiness should be the first and foremost thing in our minds instead of thinking we aren’t “good” enough.

    Jordanne || Thelifeofaglasgowgirl.co.uk

    March 21, 2017 at 12:34 am
    • Reply clairelouiisexo

      100% truth! It’s so hard some days to remember that, but we’re all so beautiful the way we are xoxox

      March 23, 2017 at 12:20 pm
  • Reply Millies Moments

    I really like this post because I can completely empathise with you! I get days where I hate my body size but then others where I just don’t care! Some days I feel like I can pull it off but then I start to feel really shit about myself if I try something on and it doesn’t fit or doesn’t look right on me. You just need to try and stay positive! I think you are beautiful just the way you are but if you are really struggling with it, only you can change that. I have started exercising because I am sick of not feeling happy about myself! Chin up girl x
    Maybe you might like some of the things I write about on my blog. I write about my experiences of mental health… feel free to have a look!

    http://www.milliesmoments.co.uk

    March 21, 2017 at 1:12 pm
    • Reply clairelouiisexo

      It’s so hard because it changes so much as well, I’ve been trying to exercise more as well to try and feel stronger but I’m so lazy haha. Thanks so much for reading, I’ll check it out xoxo

      March 23, 2017 at 12:22 pm
  • Reply sarrachristine

    Love this!! I’ve nominated your blog for the One Lovely Blog award! 🙂 x
    https://sarrachristine.wordpress.com/2017/03/20/one-lovely-blog-award/

    March 21, 2017 at 9:30 pm
    • Reply clairelouiisexo

      That’s amazing, really appreciate it! Thank you so much gorgeous xoxoxoxo

      March 23, 2017 at 12:23 pm
  • Reply Natasha

    I wish I could be like this about my body! After having Darcie I see it in a different way but wouldn’t change it for the world

    P.S loving the new look!

    Tasha x

    http://itsatashathing.blogspot.co.uk/2017/03/mothers-day-gift-guide-2017-last-minute.html

    March 23, 2017 at 1:40 pm
    • Reply clairelouiisexo

      Mine has changed so much, I’m not sure how I’d feel about it changing again for a baby but I can imagine it’s so worth it!
      Thanks so much lovely xo

      March 23, 2017 at 3:04 pm
  • Reply Hels

    Thank you for writing this, it’s beautifully written and really powerful. Sizes should never define us, every Body is beautiful, as are you.

    March 23, 2017 at 9:53 pm
    • Reply clairelouiisexo

      Thank you so much! Everyone is beautiful, you’re right! xoxo

      March 23, 2017 at 10:46 pm
  • Reply Victoria

    Oh girly, I felt for you. It doesn’t matter what size a girl can be, it still affects us in our wee heads. This is a very empowering piece though and you definitely addressed an going issue of body confidence. Great post 😊

    April 2, 2017 at 8:15 am
    • Reply clairelouiisexo

      Thanks so much for reading ❤ It’s true, we need to try and love ourselves so much more xo

      April 2, 2017 at 9:21 pm
  • Reply Susanne

    This is such a great post! Thank you for writing it.
    I feel your pain for H&M sizes, and I also made the mistake of trying on Super Skinny Jeans – how dare I have legs?!
    Xx

    April 7, 2017 at 8:13 am
    • Reply clairelouiisexo

      Thanks so much for reading! Haha exactly! Clothes sizes are so frustrating xo

      April 7, 2017 at 9:40 am
  • Reply Chloe Spacey

    This is amazing, I can relate so so much. I always find it so incredible when people have the strength to share something like this. Absolutely inspiring

    Chloe x

    http://www.thengguidetolondon.blogspot.co.uk

    April 13, 2017 at 11:28 am
  • Reply Hannah

    This was so beautiful 🙂 we often focus way too much on how our LOOK and never on what they can do. Must never take that for granted.
    I’m in the same boat as you; I was always tiny – a solid size 8 and now I’m three dress sizes bigger I always beat myself up about it 🙁
    Thanks for writing this! Xxx
    Hannah recently posted…Is Feminism Just a New Fashion Trend?My Profile

    May 14, 2017 at 2:33 pm
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